The Conservatives' mission to "castrate the Labour party" by removing Ed Balls from his seat failed shortly before dawn, as the schools secretary held onto his seat with a margin of just over 1,000 votes. In one of the most eagerly-anticipated and tightly-contested results of the early hours, Brown's protege and arch-loyalist narrowly avoided being caught in a "reverse Portillo" moment – a reference to the potent defeat of Michael Portillo in 1997, when his expression of stunned surprise symbolised the Conservative party's catastrophic rout.
Balls, castrate, "reverse Portillo:" if anyone had any doubts as to whether British politicians are anything but a bunch of smutty schoolboys pretending to be grown-ups, put them aside now.
Moving right along, there is a Green seat far away, while Margaret Hodge saves Barking from fascism. Jacqui Smith, however, has just learned the full cost of the two most expensive gay porn movies in history.
This is Britain, so it is crucial to know which celebrities are endorsing which parties. Meanwhile, David Hare announces the death of New Labour. We shall remember them.
So, while we wait to learn whether David Cameron will be the 19th Etonian Prime Minister and contemplate the fact that Nick Clegg went to Westminster (as did Shane MacGowan) we turn to an unrelated but hilarious story, that of Dr George Rekers and Lucien.
And finally, here is one of those parties with lots of drunken men trying to dance and one really hot girl: