Friday, July 10, 2009

Just like Pagliacci did

Apologies, gentle readership, for my failure to blog of late. I have been busy suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous relationships. Within a few short weeks, I have experienced not one but two catastrophes of romance, the gory details of which I will spare you. The highs and lows (low, low, lows, since you ask) of these attachments have hindered progress on the writing front.

I shall resume the more emotionally fulfilling task of blogging shortly. I might also start work on my magnum opus, Paul Litterick's Big Book of Dating Disasters.

However, there is good news. Harvestbird is with harvestchild, this blog is on Mr Hatherley's list and I have the honour of a new blog follower: the Farhenheit 451 project of the Pelham Public Library, Fonthill, Ontario.

And when Smokey sings, I hear violins:

Monday, June 29, 2009

Boogaloo

I do hope, gentle reader, that you did not spend too much of your weekend mourning the demise of Michael Jackson, or even talking about said demise. Because (and I don't really need to tell you this do, I?) time spent in such a way would be wasted, wouldn't it? Your emotions were manipulated, were they not? Manipulated not by the Mass Media - that is like so 20th Century; no, said emotions were manipulated by your Twitter pals, and your Facebook Friends: people you know, sort of. They all rushed to make a comment, each one hoping that he or she would be the one who told you and countless others about it. And so, it came to pass that a rather inconsequential event became terribly important.

Or, to put it another way: Michael Jackson was forgotten, for the most part, by ordinary decent people. He was, after all, Creepy and Weird. The only people who did not share this opinion were His dedicated fans, those who stayed with him long after He stopped making half-decent records and throughout the child molesting stage of his life. Why so? Answer: the dedicated fans are (a) creepy and (b) weird. They wouldn't have minded if he had been found guilty; they would have offered their own children to him. The rest of us carried on our lives, feeling vaguely uncomfortable about what we did in the Eighties.

Then He died, suddenly. It made the news. It stopped the news. Everybody remembered Him, and what He had meant to them, back then, before it all became rather sordid. And everyone felt sad. But everyone also secretly rejoiced, because His demise was an opportunity for everybody to come together, to share their feelings and their memories. And such mourning for our past is acceptable, in this post-ironic culture; not just for the Proles, who have always enjoyed mawkish sentimentality, but also for People Like Us. Look: even the Guardian is doing it.

It is better this way. Concerning ourselves with the death of a composite media figure (the King of Pop, as he insisted he be called by any media outlet that was wanting of his blessing; an insistence that has now paid dividends, since it is as the King of Pop that he is known) is so much easier than dealing with the real problems, like the millions of plastic beads flowing from exfoliating soap into the oceans, or that interview on Nine to Noon with Charles Clover about the imminent extinction of fishes.


Me? My weekend was rad. We went to Labretta Suede's garage sale, an opportunity to drink beer in a garden in New Lynn, surrounded by retro Americana. Then we played Super Mario and Kirby on the Wii. The past is so much better these days than it was back in the day.



Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Minister of Unknowing

Reader Anonymous of Auckland Central draws our attention to the latest utterance of Ms Anne Tolley, the somewhat undereducated Minister for Education. It's all about Standards, you see, but not League Tables.

I know, it sounds confusing. How could we have national Standards for schools, you may be thinking, without the information about the attainment of these Standards by individual schools being used to compile League Tables? Perhaps, in an enlightened New Zealand led by that nice Mr Key, such perfidy will become unthinkable: nobody would compile the information about individual schools into such a Table, because to do so would be wrong. The Minster has said she wants no Tables; there will be no Tables.

Of course, it may necessary, in the period between the seizure of the means of government by the National Party and the eventual withering of the state (or at least those parts of it which are inconveniently democratic) for the Government to prevent this information being released, in case it were to fall into the grasping hands of counter-reactionary elements. The matter of Official Information Act requests can be dealt with swiftly and efficiently. Ms Tolley doubtless will have in mind the example of the House of Commons in dear old Blighty and its release of information about its Members' expenses claims. Despite the prior leaking of complete details of expenses to the Daily Telegraph, and despite widespread public outrage at some claims by some Members, the House of Commons wisely chose to redact the contentious claims from its release. Students of Information Management will be the first to recognise that, by this simple procedure, the Commons has negated all the illegally leaked information: the official publication does not include the claims about moat cleaning and the duck island, so those claims do not exist (although they have been paid).

Using a similar technique, Ms Tolley says "as far as I am concerned, we are not planning to publish any form of information that could be used for league tables" and the information about Standards instantly becomes useless for such purposes. However, readers with an inflexible commitment to rational thought might object to her next statement:
But she said it would be acceptable for some parents to dole out blame if their children's performance was not up to scratch. "There's a variety of reasons why that might happen, especially if a teacher isn't using a good assessment technique in their teaching when the national standards are in place ... We encourage parents to get involved in a child's education."

It seems paradoxical. Parents will have access to information which will allow them to blame teachers, but this information will not be useful for building League Tables. At this point, you may be saying to yourself "am I smarter than an Education Minister" but you would be foolish to think such a thing.

You see, Ms Tolley does not have a conventional education as such - the kind administered by her Ministry - but in fact she is a Zen Master. By making these apparently contradictory statements she is sharing some of her Wisdom with us. She is showing us that we cannot know, in the Western epistemological sense of 'knowing.' It is only by years of study at the feet of a Master such as Ms Tolley that we can understand that we do not understand. Many further years later, we may finally grasp the truth of what she says, and so gain Enlightenment.

By then, of course, the conventional Education system will no longer exist, and what schooling which still occurs will be in the hands of private schools, subsidised by the Ministry. By this approach Ms Tolley will have achieved not only the radical ideas of Deschooling proposed by Ivan Illich, but also shown our children that true understanding cannot come from schoolbooks and study trips. It can come only by abandoning everything we thought we knew. With her 80 percent cut in adult education funding and her transfer of funds from public eduation to private schools, she has guided us to the start of our journey on the long road to Enlightenment.

She is truly ambitious for New Zealand.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Clueless

Also up for Second Reading was former MP Matt Robson’s Liquor Advertising Bill that would have restricted liquor advertising on television to between 10pm and midnight (currently 8:30pm to midnight). The Bill’s new sponsor, Brendan Burns, acknowledged that the Bill was not the whole answer to the problem, but that: “It confronts what can be done immediately to reduce the harm of alcohol advertising.” Yet, despite National MPs accepting that excessive drinking by young people is a serious problem, National’s Nikki Kaye tried to argued that: “We need to consider the whole problem” as a reason to oppose this step. Despite it being a conscience vote, all National MPs voted nay.


Frogblog reveals that the Fundy Post's MP - Ms Patsy Kaye - doing what what she does best: nothing. Ms Kaye's solution to any problem is to consider the whole of it. Roughly translated, this means that Ms Kaye knows nothing about the subject, lacks the intellect or the energy to find out about it, and only spoke because she wanted to be on television.

Herewith follows Ms Kaye's Parliamentary career to date:

Truancy - Survey

5. NIKKI KAYE (National—Auckland Central) to the Minister of Education: What reports has she received on whether an attendance, absence, and truancy in New Zealand schools survey was held in 2008?

Hon ANNE TOLLEY (Minister of Education) : Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Blah.

Nikki Kaye: What reports has she received about whether the previous Government knew about the cancellation of the survey last year?

Hon ANNE TOLLEY: Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah - Blah.

Schools - Property Projects

3. NIKKI KAYE (National—Auckland Central) to the Minister of Education: What steps has the Government taken to fast track school property projects?

Hon ANNE TOLLEY (Minister of Education) : Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Nikki Kaye: Does today’s announcement deliver on the promises made when the fast tracking of school building projects was announced in February?

Hon ANNE TOLLEY: Of course it fucken does. I wouldn't have told you to ask the question if it didn't, would I? [I may have transcribed this incorrectly - Ed]

And that's it, so far. Ms Kaye is there to fill a seat on the backbenches and do what she is told to do. That she will do until she is thrown out at the next General Election. Then she will have MP on her CV and fill a variety of roles (or possibly rolls) which her Tory chums give her.

Wake me if anything changes.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The past is a foreign cafe

Where once there was a pub on every corner in New Zealand, today there is a sign: Cafe Opening Soon.

Coffee is the beer of the 1990's, a symbol not only of changed tastes in what New Zealanders are drinking, but more importantly, the surroundings in which they choose to enjoy it. Unlike a bar, with its connotations of pick-ups and making dates, cafes are relaxed, non-threatening places, opened out to the street rather than closed off like pubs, where customers can write letters or read the newspapers and magazines left lying about the tables.

Before cafes and espresso bars began to boom in the late 1980's, there was a huge gap in the hospitality industry. True, there was an ever-increasing number of casual bistros and brasseries, but they catered only to those who were prepared to spend anything up to $50 for a full meal. Nightclubs did their best to repel customers with dress codes and bouncers, and while there were coffee lounges here and there, none stayed open late. Faded leftovers from the sixties and seventies, they were definitely not baby boomer or Generation X territory, being drab and low budget, with formica tables, plastic chairs, a perspex cabinet with predictable rolls, cakes, white bread sandwiches... and stewed Cona coffee.

Then there were the pubs, Grim, smoky dungeons, utterly devoid of style, usually owned by the breweries and designed purely for their own convenience, monuments to an era which finally ended with the reform of the liquor laws in 1990, when the breweries' grip on retail liquor outlets was loosened forever.

The demise of the Kiwi booze barn is unmourned by the throngs who simply stopped patronising them. Indeed, the very emphasis on coffee rather than alcohol in the new cafes forms a large part of their attraction. The die-hards are left to the pubs which still remain, and women, in particular, can feel comfortable about going to a coffee bar by themselves, without feeling they are subject to hostile leers from male customers who feel they are invading their domain.

Perhaps the greatest appeal of the new cafes is, quite simply, their proprietors have taste - in music, food, coffee and art. Often from educated middle class backgrounds, they see their cafe as a lifestyle option, rather than as a business alternative to running a corner dairy or a fish and chip shop. Gone is the dominance of immigrant groups of mainly rural stock, particularly Greeks and Yugoslavs, who operated our steak bars, milk bars and coffee houses after the war.
Discuss.

The text is from The Character cafes of New Zealand of 1994, an essay by David Burton to accompany photographs by Grant Sheehan of New Zealand's happening cafes, run by People Like Us. Unlike the hick wogs who used to run our retail food industry, these people have Taste. As the photographs show, often it is a taste for corrugated iron or sheet metal, which are used to decorate almost a quarter of the forty-two establishments illustrated. It's kiwiana you see: retro and ironic and affectionate.

The kids of today won't believe us when we tell them this but, although the word Serious was widely overused back then, nothing was serious in the 90s: we were too exhausted from all the working hard and playing hard of the 80s. So we took our coffee amidst a jumble of Stuff. In 1994 Cuba Cuba (which, unsurprisingly, is in Cuba Street, Wellington) has little plastic babies all over the shop; both Rakinos (High St, Auckland) and Paraparana (State Highway 1, Paraparaumu) have fish reliefs on their walls; Chez Eelco (Nelson) has wetas on its walls, rattan chairs and gingham tablecloths (it is, in fact, authentic: a survivor of the 50s coffee-bar boom and bust). Opawa Shell Cafe (Christchurch) has a counter fronted with Paua shells, you will be relieved to know. And there is quite a lot of Formica, despite the writer's disdain. In fact, Hastings once had a cafe (not featured in this book) called Formica; it was rad.

Amidst all this levity there is some gravity, however. The man behind the counter at Brigitte's Espresso Bar (Christchurch) wears a shirt that says "THERE IS NO X IN ESPRESSO," perhaps to keep the Yugoslavs away. At Castro's (Marjoribanks [pronounce it marchbanks or you will be hearing from me] Street, Wellington) two beautiful women ignore each other with only a vase of daisies to lighten the mood. Lido (corner of Wakefield and Victoria Streets, Wellington) is a post-industrial wasteland with, again, daisies; and, oh look, Sonic Youth are playing at the University. Deluxe (Kent Terrace, Wellington) is anything but. SPQR (Ponsonby Road, Auckland) is anything but gay. The closest Alba (Lorne Street, Auckland) comes to retro cool is the sugar-shakers on its linen tablecloths (yes!) and its newspapers on sticks. It lacks even the cheery chalked menu, instead having those plastic letters set in black felt (JUICES APPLE CARROT ORANGE $3.50).

Glimpses of the old New Zealand, in the time before Cool, are shown in Auckland's White Lady (PLEASE ORDER HERE) and the Dominion Cafe of Hastings: "meals at all hours, fish and chips to take home," it says on the window. The name S. Halicopoulus is also displayed on the window, besides which stands the proprietor wearing a moustache; clearly he is one of the aforementioned Greek rustics. Also shown is the Detroit Diner (Under New Management) of State Highway 1, Oamaru and the Mainstreet Cafe (Thai Fast Food) of Queen Street, Auckland. Just so you know.

It's all about class, the distinction which dare not speak its name in New Zealand. Nice people started selling coffee to other nice people, who had no wish for a Double Brown and the attentions of road-menders. Better that your waitress is a surly art student with a shaved head (Verona, K Road, then and now) than to suffer steamed milk. And being Top People means we can appropriate the relics of the plebeian past and make them our own. So we embrace those cushioned chairs, those bar stools and all that Formica. In Hamilton, there is the wonderful Hydro, which once was the corner shop for the Hayes Paddock estate (mmm... State Housing, designed by Gordon Wilson in 1939; happy, happy, joy, joy) and now is a cornucopia of cup cakes and 50s design. Of course, the State's tenants went long ago, encouraged to buy their homes by the first National Government after the War. Modernism is now safe for the middle class.

In a classless society the middle class carved out a space of its own, a space where everything is nice and cool and retro. We tore up the social contract, abandoning the masses to their fate; we put a distance between ourselves and the welfare state, which we decided we could no longer afford. We left behind the land of lamingtons and free dental care. But we took with us whatever we wanted from the past, making it retro and cool and safe. So we put the artifacts of that other country in our coffee shops, recreating the past as quaint and funny. And in these places we can take refuge from the others, with their vulgar ways and their lowly tastes.

And we get damn fine coffee as well. And cupcakes.

Rosy Tin Teacaddy:

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Where it's at

Party time!... that pre-ball get-together, - one special guest to be introduced all round - Steinecker Lager beer. Your guests are discriminating in their choice of Lagers, and none can resist Steinecker's charm, its true continental strength and flavour - its tang of cool breezes in high snowy places - its friendliness. Serve Steinecker chilled, your guests will agree - it makes a perfect party.
The past, as L P Hartley said, is a foreign country; they do things differently there. And one of the things they do is drink Steinecker Lager. This bothers me. It bothers me because - as an architectural historian and, more specifically, an historian of New Zealand's architectural culture - I am trying to get some sort of feel for what New Zealand was like in the period I am studying, which is from 1960 to the end of the last century. Now, you might interject, Steinecker Lager has nothing to do with architecture and I really should be concentrating on buildings and the like. But, I would reply, things like Steinecker Lager are part of the culture, and I find it difficult to ignore.

You see, the trouble with History is that it is very difficult to take one part of it and isolate it from the rest. Looking at old buildings is all well and good, but those buildings were built by people who lived at a particular time and were subject to particular influences. The Steinecker Lager advertisement which I quoted above was published on page 23 of the New Zealand Listener of 22 April 1960. The copy is accompanied by a drawing of men in Black Tie and women in evening dresses, all enjoying Steinecker Lager poured into those conical glasses which were so, so modern at the time. These people are discriminating, you can see. And they are part of the culture. The obvious selling point of Steinecker Lager - made by New Zealand Breweries Limited of Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin - is that it is continental. It has the tang of cool breezes in high snowy places, after all. It is, in marketing terms at least, a long way from the Six O'Clock Swill.

One could get all Continental about this advertisement and deconstruct it as a Text. One might note how these characters are dressed as if they ought to be drinking cocktails, yet they are drinking beer; how they are arranged in couples - men and women drinking together, but obviously in stable relationships; how the man of the house (presumably) pours the beer carefully into the conical glass, while the wife of the house waits with a tray; how the stock figure of the Matriarch sits in the background, conversing with younger folk standing around her. One could go on. But the point is (and this is more my problem than yours, and I really should not be troubling you with it) that all this is part of the culture of which the buildings and the opinions about the buildings of which I am studying are also part. Clearly, as if I didn't know it already, continental sophistication is a desirable thing of the period. One could, if one were not writing about architecture, write an entire thesis about drink advertising in New Zealand and how it expresses desires to be more international and of a better class. This desire can be seen in the architecture of the period, as can an opposite desire (both in booze and buildings) to be more national and authentic. That we have buildings of the period that look the way they do is the result of influences that are not solely architectural. That we had beer of the period is not solely bibulous. The suggestion by Kingsley Amis that there should be one universal beer advertisement - "Drink Beer: It Gets You Pissed" - rather misses the point.

Anyway, that is my problem and not yours. But another problem with History is that one can never know what Steinecker Lager is like. I expect it was perfectly horrid, at least by modern standards; but then, it was judged by the standards of the day, not by ours. But one cannot really know, because the only senses we can use in History are sight and hearing. Taste, smell and touch are beyond us, for the most part. I very much doubt that there is a bottle of Steinecker Lager in existence; I am sure that, if there were, it would taste nothing like it did in 1960. So we might have to take the advertiser's word that it tasted of cool breezes in high snowy places.

Anyway, we should leave them to their party. I am reading the Listener of April 1960 on the off-chance that Monte Holcroft might have something to say about architecture, not for the advertisements his publication ran. And I am sure you have better things to do than worry about problems of History. Just remember, serve Steinecker and serve it chilled.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Trash for cash

Coffee tables made from barrels. Lamps crafted from brooms. Chairs swathed in burlap and sackcloth. Look at some of the newest furniture on the market, and the recession appears to have really hit home. But irony alert: This new brand of shabby chic doesn't come cheap.

At the Dan Marty showroom in the Pacific Design Center, the heart of West Hollywood's design scene and the place where top decorators shop for their wealthy clients, light fixtures made from old French apple baskets carry $1,600 price tags and canopy chairs upholstered in burlap sell for $3,600 a pair.
Gentle readership, we all need to put down whatever we are doing and think about how we can extract money from the Rich while they still have some. As the LA Times reports, there are still some very stupid people with very large amounts of cash. Catch them before they squander it all.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Ralston Gripe

I have been saving something for this day: Bill Ralston's column of 26th April, in which he made his predictions for the Mount Albert by-election, predicting that David Shearer would not be chosen as the candidate and that Melissa Lee," a trained media professional" had a good chance. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? Well, let me count they ways; no, let me not, because Ralston was wrong in every respect, save one:
National has the advantage of being in government and can therefore summon up money from business contributors who want to curry favour.
In short, National solicits bribes; I did not expect to hear this from Mr Ralston but it is nice to have confirmation. Mr Ralston might also, if he wishes to retain any credibility, declare whether he has received any payment from the National Party or from John Key; you will recall that John Drinnan asked a similar question, and received the response: "I'm not a public figure, I don't have to answer your f****** questions." This, you will note, is the response of a Herald columnist to a Herald journalist.

But, then again, is Ralston doing the Tories any favours? Melissa Lee has disappointed him, so he now washes his hands of her. I suppose that is the great thing about being a columnist. You never have to take responsibility for your opinions and predictions, you never have to declare your financial interests and, when you stuff up, you move forward, blaming everyone but you. As Mr Ralston himself says:
One of the advantages of political commentary, which must annoy the hell out of politicians, is that you generally have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight when analysing what has been going on. Whereas politicians are often forced into making their calls unaware of some of the facts or potential fallout, guys like me can be blissfully wise after the event.
Or you can be blissfully contradictory, or blissfully self-interested. Or you can be blissfully ignorant, like John Roughan :

When you or I act in a judicial capacity - as parents or employers or some other position of authority - we naturally demand an explanation from somebody accused of wrongdoing.When a staff member makes a serious accusation against another, the boss does not give the accused an ultimate right to silence. There are many rights an employee must be given these days, including perhaps access to a lawyer, but sooner or later a satisfactory explanation will be demanded. If none is forthcoming is is natural to assume the worst. Criminal law differs from natural justice in this respect I suppose because the penalties are so much greater, often a loss of liberty, and proof must reach a higher standard.


I would have thought it prudent to avoid topics of which one knows nothing, but Roughan wears his ignorance on his sleeve. Clearly, he knows nothing about the Employment Relations Act nor of the meaning of the phrase "natural justice" (still, he is right: we heard a lot from David Bain before the trial and a lot after the trial, but nothing during the trial; of course it is his right to decline to speak and it is natural that he should prefer facing John Campbell than Counsel for the Prosecution, but it did leave something of a hole in the proceedings). Does anybody check these columnists' work before publication? Or do the likes of Ralston and Roughan have contracts which allow them to write whatever they like, however idiotic such writing might be? Or do their editors not care?

I think it is the last: there was a time, not so long ago, when newspapers lived by their reputations. The quality of their reporting and of their opinion was crucial. But now it is all just copy. It helps keep the advertisements apart. The facts often are wrong, but the paper will print a correction if a reader notices an error. The opinions are mindless and prejudiced; but they are entertaining, which is all that matters.

Here's a song from Mount Albert:

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent

So, what can we say? Not a lot really; we are prohibited today from saying anything about the Mount Albert by-election, lest we sway the opinions of voters. We might want to say something about the David Bain case, but we might need an Opinion to discover whether what we want to say is permissible. However, throwing caution to the wind, I will venture to say something.

As I understand it, the Supreme Court decided last week that it would not allow the evidence about what might have been on the 111 tape to be heard by the jury. It is fortunate that the Court should reach this decision, since the jury had gone home last week, having found Mr Bain not guilty. Despite this, the Supreme Court would not allow anyone else to hear the tape, or at least the part that was disputed, until they said so. One could, though, read the Supreme Court's decision, which said what was thought to be on the tape. The Supreme Court itself decided it did not want to hear the tape, and would instead read what was said about it by Experts; it also did not want anyone else to hear it, until such time that they could.

Despite this test of self-control, some broadcasters broadcast the part of the tape which the jury had not been allowed to hear in the trial that ended in the previous week. They may now be in contempt of the Supreme Court, or one or several of the other Courts that have made decisions about this. If they had just waited a little longer, until the time that the Supreme Court decided it was acceptable to hear the tape, they would not be so contemptuous.

I may have some of this wrong. I apologise to any Court which might be reading this post for any contempt that I might have shown it. Steven, who knows about these things, suggests that the Supreme Court's decision is, in some respects, no more clear than the tape; this might be the basis of my defence.

So, you will be wondering by now (having covered your ears when it was broadcast, to avert any possibility of being in contempt), what's on the tape? Many scholars have concluded that Bain said, or aspired, the words "I shot the prick," although to my ears it sounds something like Uriah the Hittite, or possibly Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite (known to the Catholic Encyclopedia as Dionysius the Pseudo-Areopagite, to avoid confusion). Since Mr Bain was from a religious family and studied Classics, both are possible. But I wouldn't rely on my Opinion, if I were you - my ears are alight:

Friday, June 12, 2009

Moving forward on a new path

Breaking news: Richard Worth has resigned, leaving behind him only a trail of slime. His resignation letter is a masterpiece of rancour: after confirming that he is going because of the allegations against him which are completely untrue, he then contends that he can best serve his country by advancing his business interests.

I look forward to his bankruptcy with unseemly glee. There was a time when politicians caught with a hand in the till or in somebody else's knickers had the decency to resign graciously and without further comment. Worth is not of that age. He is the kind of politician who can see no difference between his own intrests and those of the nation. When caught doing what comes naturally to him, he recoils with spluttering indignation. It is all, of course, a plot against him, the Government and the nation he only wished to serve. However, slings and arrows notwithstanding, he will move forward on a new path, just as a slug does.

We shall see his like again, more's the pity.

The examined life

To quote: "I made a point in my second book - actually it was a point Socrates made 3000 years - four or 5000 years ago when he said: 'Don't worry about why I might be saying something - have a listen to what I'm saying' and of course what he said laid the foundation for modern civilisation - even though he was hung for it at the time."
David Bain, like Socrates - the philosopher who was hanged three, four or five thousand years ago for laying the foundation of modern civilisation - has had his day in court. Unlike Socrates, he was not obliged to drink hemlock by the jury. So we shall have to endure him for months and possibly years to come, as the suppressed evidence is disclosed, the coroner deliberates and Joe Karam huffs and puffs. It really is all to ghastly to bear thinking about.

So instead, let's think about the state of gossip. The latest blathering by La Glucina de Lammermoor suggests that the artform is in a crisis. You will note that this was an event that La Glucina did not attend and which anyone could watch on television. And what does she reveal to us, exclusively, through the agency of her spies? That people in a pub bought drinks, which included beer, a sophisticated glass of red and fizz, which may not have been ritzy. This is not trying hard. Perhaps Glucina needed the competition provided by Bridget Saunders to thrive. Now Saunders has left the building, will Glucina descend into introversion, posting her post-literate tittle and tattle from her fireside? Who knows, and who cares?

I know I don't. Still less do I care that Brad Pitt bought a painting at an art fair or that someone called Johnny Palermo is dead. So little do I care that I cannot be bothered continuing this post, which was to have been a discourse on the cult of celebrity, which would have included some exclusive gossip from last night's Great Blend. But I just lost interest.