Which celebrity gossip columnist is a semi-literate hack who cannot write for toffee? Well all of them, but especially Bridget Saunders of the Sunday Star Times, who writes like a fourteen year-old girl and uses too many exclamation marks! Look, here's an example of her writing, from last Sunday!
Met Trinny and Susannah last weekend and I had to bite my tongue not to blurt out "Mygodyourarebeautiful" to Trinny. I didn't though. Thank heavens. I didn't want to hurt Susannah's feelings. It must be hard for her working alongside Trinny who really is a great beauty. I found them to be chatty and charming but a friend who worked alongside them while they were here said Trinny (who is Liz Hurley's best friend) is excessively controling in that "I know better than you do about everything" way. And Heil World War III! Susannah reckons Germans are the world's worst dressed people (worse than us - which is all that matters!)Ohmygod! Do you reckon she submits her copy in exercise books or by TXT? Does she have a Bebo? I bet she has, like, a huge crush on Trinny and is really really jealous of Susannah! Like, totally! Friends 4 life!
As for the events she covers, could anyone give a toss? This week's edition includes the Mac Chancery store reopening (for the benefit of readers from Hawkes Bay, Mac is a cosmetics shop for women of a certain income bracket and Chancery is a part of Auckland where they tore down all the real old buildings and replaced them with pastiche old buildings), a winery tour and the inevitable horse races. And (to quote Evelyn Waugh) who are these people and what do they want? Perhaps I spend too much time in the library but somehow I have never come across Tatum Savage, Yasmine Ganley (there is always someone called Yasmine in these photographs, but never in real life), Jules Tjauw or Grace Barcelos-Owen. I don't know of them and I suspect most readers of the SST don't either. I suspect these people and the non-events they attend are photographed because we don't really have celebrities in New Zealand or a glittering social calender. Most of the people who really do stuff and deserve to be known are quite normal IRL: the last time I saw Carol Hirschfeld (photographed here as a judge of the Mercedes Derby Day Fashion Finals; mares eat oats and does eat oats but little lambs eat ivy) was at Foodtown.
And in case you think I am all twitter and bisted because I don't know any of the celebs, yah boo sucks to you: actually, I know three of the people photographed (not telling) but they do real jobs and they are way cooler than the most of the others, who aren't even famous for being famous.
And why does Bridget Saunders go on and on about Dancing with the stars? I spent the last three weeks trying to work out who the stars on the posters for the show are. No I didn't: I couldn't be bothered. And why does she ask questions which her paper's lawyers obviously won't let her answer, such as "which civic presence enjoys a practice which is illegal in Muslim countries and [for] which - even in the West - people were once burned at the stake?" What is she talking about, blasphemy or sex with goats?
I think we should be told.