Friday, June 05, 2009

The incredible rescinding man

Breaking news: Cameron Slater's hair is not permed. Its all natural. I am sure you will be relieved to know this. No doubt you were watching his interview on Close Up, thinking to yourself "surely his flowing, lustrous curls cannot be natural? That Cameron Slater is like the girl from the Harmony Hairspray advertisement."

On the other hand, you may have been thinking "does this bloke know anything?" It was not the hair that was faked. Mr Slater was brought in because nobody from the National Party would front up on Close Up to talk about the former Minister for Korean Affairs, and then was treated as if he had some inside information about the case; which, of course, he had not. In fact, he knew nothing. So we were forced to look at his hair, and that sweatshirt (which you can buy from his store; just don't come to my party wearing one - or any sweatshirt, for that matter).

But what of the mystery fax? It came from North Shore City Council. Therefore, it must have been sent by the Mayor. There, case proven. Mr Farrar agrees, so it must be correct. Obviously, only the Mayor would have the keys to the facsimile machine. This sort of deductive reasoning is what investigative blogging is all about. This is why traditional journalism has no future.

And who to blame? Why, Mr Goff, of course: his latest crime and misdemeanor was to opine that one of the complaints against Doctor Captain Worth is strikingly beautiful. It is this sort of talk which causes trouble. Clearly, the man is out of control.

And what of that nice Mr Key? He has been decisive all week, so what is his decision about the woman of whose appearance we must say nothing? She must front up, she must show us the textes. Here (With thanks to The Standard for the transcription) is some of what he had to say on Checkpoint:
John Key: No, let’s not have a private meeting. Let’s have the textses. if they’re real let’s produce them. And if he gives them to me I’ll give them to the media. As I’ve said all along, if those textses were real and they, they were of the nature that Mr Goff said that the complaint said they were and Mr Worth adamantly denies then I would have sacked Dr Worth on the spot. No question about that.

Mary Wilson
: Why does it have to become public? Why can’t this woman simply show you the information without becoming public? Why does her name, she’s got a small son and she wants to keep her name out of the public arena. If this man has hounded her for months and she is incredibly embarrassed...

John Key:
That’s your characterisation.

ary Wilson: No. Why, I’m asking you, why on earth would you demand that she go public with them when what she can do is have a private meeting with you and provide the evidence? Why would you force her into a situation where she has to go to the media?
Well, Mr Key, why would you?
Because it is all about her, and hair, and Mr Goff. It's all about textes. He won't meet the Korean woman, but he wants to see her textes. He promised to meet the Indian woman (yes, I know it is difficult to keep up, but it seems that Captain Doctor Worth had extensive interests in bilateral relations) but then rescinded that promise, instead insisting that she show her textes to his Chief of Staff, Wayne. It is all about everything but Captain Doctor Worth and his sleaze, and his corruption.

Mr Key's week of decisiveness has not been successful. Next week, clearly, he will have to do something. Otherwise, people will no longer think him nice. He has a number of options. He could try to save a BMW, he could alter his Wikipedia entry or he could shoot his entire Cabinet and then get a millionaire All Black to support him. This last option, above all, might regain him the public affection on which he thrives.

Hot Grits:


Deborah said...

Brilliant, Paul.

harvestbird said...

In the words of The Lonely Island: like a hot bowl of grits, only way more gritty.

Word up to the Minister of Jazz Noises.

Also, a perm is nothing of which to be ashamed. I received my secondary schooling in the late 1980s, when many a manly adolescent sported a manly man-perm. Just sayin'.

housemonkey said...

Your parties have a dress code?

Keri Hulme said...

Excellent Paul! I especially enjoyed the last paragraph (oops, that may be an opinion showing but at least it isnt a T-)