Bridget: an enquiry into morals

What is it about Bridget Saunders? How does she manage to write such utter tripe week after week? And what is it about me for reading it? Why do I feel drawn to the About Town section of the SST? And why am I asking these questions? Why am I sharing my internal monologue with you? Perhaps because Bridget cannot help asking questions to which she knows the answers, but she will not tell us those answers. She is such a tease, that girl.

This week's selection, written in Bridget's characteristic schoolgirl style and with her unique punctuation, included:

Who is the biggest hypocrite the New Zealand Media has ever known? [go on, tell us; we really have no idea]

Which minister of the Crown openly admits to hating the Rt. Honourable Helen Clark? [if it is so open, why can't you tell us, Bridget – lawyers got your tongue?]

Which very married media presence took a 22-year-old hooker to Asia with him? This is nothing though, compared to the 15-year-old hooker he enjoyed one day while the family were out. (He rang a knock shop and ordered in and when the girly arrived he was concerned at how young she was and asked her age. When she said 15, he first thought, "Oh dear" and then thought "Oh, what the hell, you're here now!")

Oh dear. It's all fun and games until someone violates a minor. Or rather, no: it's still fun and games because the story is about a celebrity. It doesn't matter that what he did is illegal and appalling. It doesn't matter that it is illegal for a "knock shop" to employ a girl of 15. Nah, it's all about gossip. Pause for a moment and consider the terms used: hooker – knock shop – girly. Bridget, she was Fifteen. Do you remember when you were Fifteen, about the time your prose style stopped developing? She's not a hooker or a girly, she is a child prostitute – a victim of men, including your very married celebrity.

By a strange coincidence, the lead story in the SST was about another 15 year-old girl: Marie from Christchurch, who has been missing for two weeks. But Marie's story is a cause for concern, while "the girly" is just a bit player in the life of a celebrity. At least the Police are looking for Marie. I doubt Bridget will be telling them the details of her story. I doubt the media presence will have to account for his behaviour. I doubt his victim will receive the help she needs.

Maybe I am just being a bit old-fashioned. Or maybe not; here is the start of another story by Bridget:

Once the hottest restaurateur in town, Philip Sturm, who has been to hell and back (prison for gay sexual violation) has been out on home detention for five months now and is now on parole. For those who are convinced of his innocence (an awful lot of people) this is is wonderful news and he will be welcomed back with open arms.

Wut? It was just "gay sexual violation" (five counts of sexual violation and one of stupefying involving four men, in case you forgot the case) and an awful lot of people were convinced of his innocence. Well, I can think of twelve who were not.

The striking feature of Bridget's ramblings (apart from her difficulties with English) is her absence of moral discernment. Famous people do things: the have fights in public, they have affairs, they hire child prostitutes and they rape people. It doesn't really matter; it's all goss.

But no; I am misrepresenting Bridget. She also does politics and lit-crit:

A friend has read the first 10 chapters of Ian Wishart's book Absolute Power: The Helen Clark Years and he says it will be terminally DEVASTATING for the prime minister

No it won't, Bridget. While you were deciding which lip-gloss went with which eyeliner, some of us, for some time, were reading Ian's revelations about Helen; knowing his form, we don't expect this book to bring down the Government. Trust us on this; and we will trust you to keep us informed about celebrity rapists and child molesters, in your own special way.