Prospectus

So yes, we face challenges. But we will rise to them, because as a country we have tremendous advantages.

Our capacity to produce food for the world, our landscapes, and scenery, and maybe most of all the incredible Kiwi ingenuity.

So we must make the most of our advantages. Because the state of the global economy and the global financial crisis means the road ahead may well be a rocky one.

At least we have Rocky Road. I quote, of course, from That Nice Mr Key's Victory Speech, a menage of mixed metaphors which exhorted us to work together and show "a willingness to use our smallness to our advantage, to be nimble, sure-footed and flexible." There may be trouble ahead, so let's face the music and dance. At least he has Rodney on his team. In addition to being fleet of foot, we must be on top of our game and also pull in the same direction. The future will be athletic, nay gymnastic. I am exhausted already.

I hope we will have time to enjoy the landscapes. I expect Mr Key owns several: local scenes depicted by local artists in a post-post-Impressionist style. I expect Mr Key enjoys them while listening to Brooke Fraser's Albertine.

Anyway, enough of this day-dreaming; back to work. Mr Key has made himself Minister of Tourism. Fusty old Helen Clark was Minister for the Arts, promoting all that Modern Dance and those modern artists whose landscapes that do nothing to promote New Zealand on a world stage. Mr Key will have none of that; he will be in charge of scenery. I hope they give him a cap and a badge.

And with our kiwi ingenuity, there are new opportunities, such as cake-growing. As Mr Key told the Tourism Industry Association, his being Minister of Tourism "is a tangible way of showing New Zealanders that their new Prime Minister is truly going to be focused on growing the cake rather than just on different ways to hand the cake out."

Far be it for an humble blogeur to critique a man who has realised his childhood ambitions to be a millionaire and the Prime Minister, but I think Mr Key has neglected one industry that shows real prospects for growth: satire. Within days of his election, huge resources of Lulz are being found everywhere. The Fundy Post will strive to be a market leader in this growing sector. We shall strive to produce world-beating satire. We have landscapes, scenery and cake. We have Mr Key as Prime Minister. What more do we need? Let the smirking begin.

Human League: