Ambush on Sale Street

TOUGH NEW alcohol laws would make New Zealand an "international laughing stock" during the Rugby World Cup – but it is understood the government is secretly planning to override any attempt to spoil the party.

Auckland mayor John Banks says the Law Commission's proposal to ban entry to bars after 2am would damage New Zealand's interests as host of next year's tournament.

Hey, look over there; it looks like a media beat-up has broken out. Yes indeed: the Law Commission was enjoying a quiet night out and wasn't looking for a fight, but the liquor kings got  their punches in first.  It's going to make us an international laughing stock (on a global stage) and it will spoil the RWC. It has to be stopped. Fortunately, the Government has a secret plan.

Of course, having drunken Poms all over your streets at Two in the morning is a small price to pay for the increased prosperity the RWC will bring our publicans. Economic forecasters are confident that the wealth will trickle down, like vomit on a drunkard's designer shirt, from the bar owners to the less fortunate: BMW dealers, gravel driveway installers, landscape architects, those sort of people.

It might also be worth noting at this stage in the game that Johnny Foreigner is not just accustomed to getting a  refreshing pint of foaming ale in the wee small hours. No, sir: to go with that drink he enjoys recreational drugs; he is sorted for E's and Whizz, as your grandmother used to say. The British, I am reliably informed, have a particular penchant for cocaine, which they consume by the fistful. 

Now are we going to be laughing stock of the Western World? Will we have nothing to offer our brothers of the Commonwealth than dope and disco biscuits? I should cocoa. What we we need is a ready supply of fresh white snow, obtained under a reciprocal agreement with one our South American trading partners and rugby football rivals: Dairy for Drugs, we can call it. That nice Mr Key should appoint a Drugs Tsar - Paul Holmes, perhaps - to obtain as much of the stuff as our Latin friends can grow.  Then the party can begin.